I mean I finally got my wakeup call.
I am so stupid due to many mistake's I have made in '04.
And the people that now I realize are more important to me than anything, I am losing or have already lost.
Like Sean for example.
I still don't understand why we broke up.
But then again when we talk, we talk like we did when we were going out.
And I mean I'm glad we do it's just... different.
But even though were broken up, he still stick's by me.
I mean there are the occasional few people who are there for me all the time, and you knw who you are.
And i'd like to say thank you to all those who have alway's been there for me.
Here's something that all of us, at least one point in our lives, can relate to:
Reasons, everyone always wants reasons why I am the way I am.
Honestly, I would like to know myself.
So I write about what hurts, what feels good, what makes me cry, and makes me feel.
I want to know why:
I'm screaming silently inside.
I'm happy for a moment and then I lose it.
I'm free, but I hold back.
I hate myself everytime I look into the mirror.
I drown in my self-pity.
I eat a tub of ice cream, then feel so much guilt that I can't move.
I am ashamed.
I hide from everything.
I feel more than I can take.
And I just really want to know why I am unable to be whole.
Was I born with this failure inside of me that doesn't allow me to change?
I spend my days scared.
What if I never change.
What if there are no reasons at all.
What if I am forever and there is nothing I can do about it.
So I look for an answer to make the confusion go away.
Everyday I wake up searching with only the hope that someday something will be found that will make this enless longing go away.
Have you ever wanted something so bad that you couldn't breathe?
I can't breathe.
1: Piercing?: 2, one in each ear
2: Tattoos?: none
3: Height?: 5'2" in a half
4: Shoe size?: women's anywhere from a 8-10 (depending on the shoe), and men's anywhere from a 7-9 (depending on the shoe)
5: Hair color?: brownish, blondish, goldish, with a tinge of light red
1: food?: Chinese
2: thing to do?: chill with my friends, skateboard, snowboard, write poetry, talk on the phone
3: thing to talk about?: Anything.
5: drinks?: caramel frapp. from starbuck's, razzmatazz from jamba juice, and squirt the soda
6: clothes?: vintage t-shirt's
7: movies?: SLC Punk, The Nightmare Before Christmas, Interview with a Vampire, Queen of the Damned, White Oleander, Graden State, etc.
8: holiday?: halloween
1: ever cried over a girl?: no
2: ever cried over a boy?: of course
3: ever lied to someone?: sad, but true
4: ever been in love a fist fight?: nope
5: ever been in love?: yes, and i am right now
6: ever been arrested?: no, but close to it
1: of pet's you have?: 1 dog and 1 parrot
2: of times I have had my heart broken?: i thought twice, but i actually think now only once
3: of hearts I have broken?: one or two
4: of girls I have kissed?: uh if you wanna knw ask me privately
5: of boys I have kissed?: i have no idea
6: of girls I've slept with?: none
7: of boys I've slept with?: say I if you are a virgin... I!
8: of drugs taken illegally: one
9: of friends I would classify as true?: 3 or 4
10: of people I consider my enemies?: a few, but it's bad to have enemy's
11: of times my name has appeared in the newspaper?: once
12: of scars on my body?: way to many, and each one has it's own story to show for it
13: of things in my past that I regret?: way too many
DO YOU THINK YOU ARE...
1: nice?: yes
2: funny?: so i am told
3: hott?: no
4: friendly?: sure
5: amusing?: it's sad i amuse myself
6: smart?: occasionally, i do have my blonde moments
7: caring?: of course! i do have a heart you knw
8: sweet?: i can be
9: dorky?: all the time
10: ditzy?: a lot.... refer back to the end of question #6
1: Wallet?: hot pink with black spider web's on it and star's on the button's
2: Hairbrush?: depending on which one.... i have a green one, a grey and black one, a blue one, and a tan one
3: Toothbrush?: hot pink and clear
4: Jewelry worn daily?: depending on the outfit... but i usually wear my black and pink bracelet's (3 pink and 9 black on each wrist), my star necklace either as a bracelet or necklace, my black and silver polk-a-dot ring, my green and purple ring, my skull ring, my pink heart ring from pretty pretty princess, and this one weird ring that used to be Lexi's
5: Pillow cover?: it's either red when i have my red sheet's or yellow when i have my yellow sheet's
6: Blanket?: comforter is red or blue, 2 of my other blanket's are blue, i have one grey, and my baby blanket is white with teddy bear's all over it
7: Sunglasses?: don't wear any anymore
8: Underwear?: depend's on what i'm wearing... i wear them to match my shirt's, most of the time at least (yeah, it's weird i knw)
9: CD in stereo right now?: papa roach ~ getting away with murder
10: Tattoos?: none
11: Piercings?: one in each ear
12: What you are wearing now?: happy bunny pajama bottom's that say "cute but psycho. things even out.", a black tank-top, black sock's with different colored polk-a-dot's
13: In my mouth?: we i was eating a See's candy cafe late lollipop, but i just finished it =P
14: In my head?: thoughts and memories
15: Wishing?: that somehow i can get sean back
16: After this?: bed... it's 2:30 in the morning
17: Person you wish you could see right now?: Sean.
18: Is next to you right now?: my sister and her friend Julia playing crash team racing
19: Your Mood?: tired, exhausted, drained, and sad
20: The last thing you ate?: cafe late lollipop
21. Are deathly afraid of?: height's and big thing's like in or under the water... such as sunken ship's and what not (even if it's in video games it freak's me out)
1: like candles?: yup, i light one everynight and fall asleep with only that as my light
2: like the taste of blood?: uh...
3: believe in love?: duh! i'm in ♥
4: believe in soul mates?: I sure do
5: believe in Heaven?: somewhat
6: believe in God? somewhat
7: Think About Suicide: have and tried
8: Believe In Online Dating: uh...
9: Do Drugs: kinda?
10: Smoke: no
11: Drink: occasionally, but quit
12: Carry A Donor Card: no
FOR OR AGAINST...
Long Distance Relationships: some people can handle it and some can't... i, personally, have been through two of them
Using Someone: no
Killing People: no
Teenage Smoking: uh... no comment
Doing Drugs: whatever. it's just stupid
Premarital Sex: your choice
Driving Drunk: against
Gay/Lesbian Relationships: definently for. they're human too
Soap Operas: uh... somewhat
1: What do you want done with your body when you die?: be creamated and my ashes spread out over the ocean
2: If you could have any animal for a pet, what would it be?: penguin
3: What color are the walls in your room?: light blue
4: Can you eat with chopsticks?: yup
5: What's your favorite coin?: dime's i guess
6: What are some of your favorite candies?: sour patch kid's, sour belt's, runt's, gum, sour punch straw's... i guess sour stuff
7: What's something that you wish people would understand?: feeling's
8: What's something you wish you could understand better?: life
9: What is something that you really wish was still around?: i dunno
LAST THING/PERSON WHO...
1: Who's bed you slept in?: mine.
2: Saw you cry?: my mom
3: Made you cry?: i'm not telling
4: Spent the night at your house?: Alexis
5: You shared a drink with?: i drank some of her grape juice without her knwing it
6: You went to the movies with?: my sister, her friend brittany, and brittany's bf loren
7: You went to the mall with?: Justin
8: Yelled at you?: my mom and dad
9: You were in love with?: Sean, and still am